Confident Not

A guy in 175 , walk head up , chest out.

Extraordinary and grabs attention. 

What a guy in confidence.

Oh well, that's me. 

Confident not? 

When i talking to foreigners and strangers,
 the confidence in speaking English,
undeniably fluent with lil bit of the western slang.  

Not a problem. 

With right clothes on and nice hair combed,
 i walk on street, i grab people's eye sight. 

Not an issue. 

Upon praised,
i gain confident from nowhere,
i walk like i were flying, and i speak like i were drunk. 

Enthused. 

Everything seems to be all right with my lil confidence.

Well,    * my favorite quot.*


There is always an exception 

Presentation seems to be a harsh truth to me. Its all about "showing-off" of yourself in public and i found that a absolute nuisance for me. My nerves all underneath my skins started to be so active like no one! Yet my heart pumps fast like dirty bits. 

My thought and speech jumbled. 

I was like a dumb who doesnt know english. screw myself.

It was not only happen during presentation, but also performance. I remembered when i was representing my music school to a statewide-competition, i was on the violin and recorder parts in the group. I can barely move my fingers like normal, and the music piece i play is in fast tempo. I did out of tempo, in acceptable manner.  But thanks God, i played it to the end with no clear mistake, but i did not do my best. i regret. i failed to manage my nerves. 

Another failure i experienced was the first casting i went to. That was a great opportunity i met to have such a chance to cast for an advertisement. I was informed like one week before the actual casting date. I m well prepared for that, i try not to be nervous, not to be shy and trying to be confident in all way. Well, when i stood in front of the camera, i smile in the best way, eye sight was sharp, too. But just a moment after the casting started, i found embarrassing to hold the same face expression, smiling into a convex electronic gadget. I was asked to repeat the same instruction for twice, and i knew my performance was suck to the core. BAD. Well, good thing is i learn how important confidence is. 

However, when it comes to singing part, my nerves do help me in achieve higher pitch range. amazing. So i now make use of my nerves in singing, and i m controlling them well, only in singing. duh~ :C

Yesterday, when i was presenting my design ideas to my lecturer, i found that i was still the same, being spoken in broken english, not even in a proper sentence. 

I knew what i am designing, absolutely, they came out from my mind! 

Nerves was the main problem, they lose control, once again!! 

My thought jumbled up, and not even a single term i could use to express my design and to defense the critiques even though i did present it in portentous and solemn manner, i did! 

But people would only think of me as a guy who poor in english, or  not a serious guy  or not well prepared for presentation. I am NOT!! 

Where is my confidence? 

If i were required to write about my ideas of design, i am sure i can do it well, just not in PRESENTING it. 

Theres confidence where theres no presentation.

My lecture was right, he told me that am a perfectionist. I spend much longer time than others do to complete a task yet lack of confidence in presenting ideas. 

Yes, i m afraid of being failed, i cant stand failure. 

My poor lil heart is made of glass, fragile, broken into tiny pieces upon being attacked.

I wish, i could be like a lil bit of being boastful rather than being shy to present.

confident not?

imma trying my best to show,

my confidence,

will be unbeatable, 

i yearn.